Take Your Wife Hunting..Really?

I have written about the trials and tribulations of fishing with my wife; about all the work and preparation that goes into such a trip, only to spend all my time tying on new hooks, untangling poles and pulling fishing line out of the trees where she is always trying to catch those flying fish.

 I apologize. I’ll never complain again.

 I realize that she just wanted to spend time with me. There are some men who spend more time with their fishing and hunting buddies than they do with their families and sooner or later they will suffer for it.

My ol’ pal Terence is such a fellow. He’s an avid hunter and fisherman. During the hunting season, he spends every spare moment in the woods. Last year, I guess his wife got more than a little tired of it. When deer season first opened last fall, he jumped up ready to bag his first deer. When he walked into the kitchen that morning, he found the coffee already brewing and his wife sitting at the table, working on her second cup. He was more than a little surprised by this because she liked to sleep late but he was even more surprised to find that she was dressed in camouflage from head to toe.

“What are you up to?” he asked her.

She smiled and informed him that she was going hunting with him. After a fifteen minute debate over her lack of ability as a huntress and sportswoman, he realized that he was never going to make it to the woods by sunrise if he didn’t agree to take her along.

By the time she got through putting on her eyeshadow and packing her purse with essentials like hand cream, lip gloss and low-carb candy bars, it was almost daylight. When they got to the woods, he placed her in the deer stand closest to the road. “Now if you see a deer, take your time, aim carefully and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear your shot.”

Terence headed deeper into the woods and figured he’d have several hours of undisturbed hunting because he knew she would have trouble hitting the broad side of a barn much less a moving animal. But as he started to climb into his own tree stand, he heard a shot; then several more and he decided he’d better go back. He returned to find his wife in a rather agitated state. “What ya shootin at?”

“Nothing,” she replied. “I just wanted to get your attention because I need help getting down. I gotta go to the bathroom!”

After that little matter was taken care of, she got back into the tree stand and she swore she wouldn’t shoot again unless there was really something to shoot at. Terence returned to his stand and was just settling in when he heard more shots. Then a few minutes later, he heard more. Grumbling, he climbed down and headed back once more through the woods. As he got closer, he heard his wife screaming, “Get away from my deer!”

He took off at a run when he heard more shots and again she’s yelling, “Get away from my deer!”  Surely a pack of coyotes or even a panther had happened upon her kill and was trying to drag it off. But he was surprised to find a young man standing near his wife’s stand with his hands in the air. The man was obviously upset as he said, “Okay, lady, okay!! You can have your deer but please let me get my saddle off it before you field dress it!”

Fellas, don’t let this happen to you. Don’t spend all your time hunting, fishing or playing golf. Make some time for activities that your wife and kids can participate in on equal footing with you; like shopping or movies or even horseback riding, (as long as it’s not during deer season.)

OPen Season On Politicians

Like most people, I’ll be happy when these elections are over. The politicians are in rut and running wild across the landscape in search of their one & only desire; your vote. It seems locally there are more people running for office than ever. The population of politicians may be getting larger than our environment can support. This is why I am advocating that in the future we remove the responsibilities of the election process from the Secretary Of State’s Office & put them in the hands of an office that knows how to deal with such matters; the Mississippi Department of Wildlife, Fisheries and Parks.

Let’s look at the facts. If there is any department of state government that has been efficient and done an excellent job over the years, it has got to be the MDWFP. If they could run elections half as well as they manage the hunting and fishing seasons here in Mississippi, the whole process would be much more bearable to the general population. In fact they could structure many of the regulations just like the ones they already have in place:
Seasons: Season opens six weeks prior to the date of the primary and closes one half hour after sunset the day prior to the primary. Season opens again two weeks prior to final election as most voters will have already chosen their candidate & excessive political activity is simply annoying to the voting public and may cause depletion of their population. Politicking out of season is considered a felony and the offender is subject to a fine of $2000 or one year imprisonment.
Voting License: A voting license may be issued to any resident over the age of 18 who has not been convicted of a felony and who knows the name of at least one candidate for each office for which they intend to vote. Those who do not know such information must attend a Voter’s Education Course. No license will be issued to non-residents.
Voting Hours: Voting may begin one half hour prior to sunrise and must conclude one half hour after sunset.
Bag Limits: Voters are only allowed one vote per office per season. Votes may be cast for either sex. Voters who exceed these limits are subject to fines & imprisonment.
Decoys & Bait: The use of decoys in the form of religion, children’s welfare, and tax cuts are legal but are discouraged unless the politician has no other manner in which to obtain votes. Bait in the form of bribes, driveway gravel, changes in zoning restrictions or free rides to the polls are illegal.
Politicking from Roadways, Vehicles and Boats: Is allowed with certain restrictions. Political signs on roadways must not obscure intersections or the signs of other candidates. Signs for individual candidates must be removed from the roadside within one week of the election. Signs remaining after this period will be collected by county or city employees, shredded into confetti and strewn about the candidate’s yard after midnight on the 10th day after the election. Politicking is allowed from cars, vans, buses, boats, planes and horse drawn vehicles during daylight hours but the vehicle must be in motion.
Vote Scavenging: Scavenging votes from old voter rolls, old folk’s homes and cemeteries is illegal unless a list of such voters is also provided to opposing candidates so as not to place such voters at risk of violating previously stated bag limits.
I think by turning this all over to MDWFP, we could eliminate a lot of the headaches and costs of the election process here in Mississippi. There’s just one problem. We’d probably have to vote on it.

It's Good to Be From the South

It’s been a long week here in Winston County. The news obviously dominated by the weather. We have to realize that we have been blessed when we start making comparisons to our neighbors in surrounding counties; damages and injuries and death in almost every corner. Wednesday was the worst. The last count I saw was 165 possible tornados across the Southeast and approaching 300 deaths, more than thirty of those right here in Mississippi. The little town of Smithville was all but wiped out and across the state line, Tuscaloosa & Birmingham had the highest death toll and property damage.

We did have our problems right here. Wednesday morning brought damage to my neck of the woods as some neighbors in the Evergreen & Poplar Flat communities dealt with downed trees and the resulting damages to their homes. But it was the afternoon storms that dealt a heavy blow not only across the South but here in our immediate area. A significant tornado made its path through Neshoba, Kemper and into the southwest corner of Winston County. The storm devastated the small community of Preston where three sisters with Winston County ties were killed. The path of the tornado made its way along County Line Road and surrounding area, across Hwy 397 and along the Shuqualak Road. Multiple homes were damaged in the County and some injuries occurred - But - it could have been much worse as the community south of Nanih Waiya was sparsely populated. As I surveyed the area and the path of the tornado, I realized just how powerful this thing was and how bad it could have been if this had hit a few miles further north and west.

The wrecked homes and property were a hard thing to see. It’s difficult not to be moved when you think of people’s lives turned (literally) upside down. But I saw something that affected me even more than the debris piles, turned over vehicles and missing roofs.

The morning after the storm , I saw yards full of cars and pickup trucks, people swarming rooftops covered in blue tarps, the sounds of hammers, saws, tractors and backhoes as people helped their neighbors, friends and family start to pull their lives back together. I saw the utility crews working methodically to restore power and I even saw a few smiles as people waved as we drove by.

I didn’t see FEMA, the Red Cross or a news crew from CNN; just people helping each other without waiting for the government or an aid agency to do it for them. In a very short time, homes will be repaired or rebuilt, lives will resume and only a few scars on the landscape and some personal stories will remain from the 2011 tornado. It’s good to be from the South -It’s good to be from Mississippi & it’s good to be from Winston County.

William McCully

To Droop or Not to Droop - A Middle-Age Man's Dilemna

I’m afraid I’ve reached that certain point in my life; a milestone of middle age that all men dread worse than prostate exams and ear hair; a sign of the aging process that can’t be hidden with a toupee or a botox injection. I have finally reached the “droopy drawers” stage of my life.

My pants and yes, even my underwear just won’t stay put anymore. The gravity that’s been working aggressively on various parts of my body has now attacked my britches. My pants bag around my backside looking for any excuse to drop a little lower and drag my BVD’s along for the ride.Now a fellow might think that all this bagginess might be coming from a loss of mass in the posterior, allowing for more wiggle room in the standard pair of khakis or jeans, but unfortunately this is not the case. Most men my age could stand a little less baggage back there, but believe me, guys, while this is one of the few areas you do want to shrink as you get older – it ain’t gonna! No, the problem is coming from the other direction.

The late great Lewis Grizzard called it the “two-bellies”; a condition that men seem to suffer from as they reach their forties and beyond. The two-bellies (TB for short) almost always appear in conjunction with droopy drawers and is most likely the cause of this sad sagging situation.

If you’re not sure that you suffer from TB, let me provide some instructions for self-diagnosis because the medical profession refuses to recognize this or droopy-drawers (DD) as actual medical problems. All they’re going to do is put you on a low-fat diet and tell you to eat only those things that have the taste and texture of cardboard or Styrofoam packing peanuts.These ailments are most obvious in the standing position. I suggest you wear a white t-shirt, your favorite pair of khakis and a standard belt. Place the waistline of your britches in the standard position and tighten the belt - one more notch than you usually do. Now, look in a full length mirror. What do you see? If there are two distinct bellies; one north of the belt and another south, you’ve got the TB’s. To further verify your condition, sit down and stand back up. Turn around and view yourself from behind. If the seat of your pants is in close proximity to the back of your knees, you are also suffering from “Droopy Drawers”.

What has happened is that your waistband slipped below belly number two when you sat down. This is a design mechanism built into most trousers to keep their integrity intact and to prevent the top button from popping off with such force as to put out an eye or break a window. But by slipping below belly two, the seat is also lowered and the result is of course “DD”.Some men try to overcome the effects of “TB” and “DD” by raising their waistline above belly number one to a point just below the neck. This is called high pants or “HP”. This actually rejoins the two bellies into one and produces a nice rounded shape in the midsection. However, it does seem to be only effective when wearing polyester pants and white socks with sandals and the general consensus of opinion is that “HP” is even less attractive than DD.

Most of us go through life after forty, adjusting and hitching up our britches and shorts every time we stand or take a few steps or when we suck in our bellies when we see a pretty girl. It’s just a fact of aging that we have to deal with; like stray hairs growing out of our foreheads at the same time our hairline is receding.There is no easy cure for “TB” and “DD”. Do a hundred sit ups a day and eat cardboard or deal with the symptoms by hitching up our pants and going about our business – or -- switching to dresses – but most of us just don’t have the legs for that.