I have really put on the weight in the last couple of years – stress, age and a job that requires a lot of computer work and drive time have all colluded to inflate my spare tire. So –I’m thinking about dieting ---after the holidays. It’s a lot easier to think about it than actually do it.
Even though I’m not totally convinced of the need to be able to bounce a quarter off your stomach at the age of fifty five, I have made several attempts at exercise over the past few years. (You know its time to do something when you get out of breath while brushing your teeth.)
My most humiliating attempt involved a health club. I joined as a New Year’s resolution in January and paid $399 over the year. By the next Christmas, I had gained five pounds and I went to the management in hopes of getting my money back. I should have read the fine print in the contract because apparently their money back guarantee requires that you must actually go to the club and exercise. They should have told me this before I signed up.
Later I decided that I could exercise on my own and I took up power walking. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen people doing this activity but it involves moving your arms & legs in a most unnatural manner as you waddle down the street as if you have two pit bulls fighting it out in the seat of your pants. I had to give that up after only a week as I had started to attract spectators.
Over the years, Tracy & I have bought every kind of exercise machine ever invented by opportunistic sadists; from rowing machines, weight benches and treadmills to a strange little device called the Ab-Igator consisting of pulleys and ropes that you attach to a doorknob. The worst thing we ever bought was a giant rubber band that you placed under your feet and used for stretching exercises. It cost $29.99 plus $6.95 shipping and handling.
Many of these things ended up as a great place to hang our clothes and the only healthful exercise we got from most of them was the extra steps required to walk around them in the bedroom or from lugging them to the front lawn for the yearly yard sale. We did however use the rubber band. After we broke the knobs off the bedroom door with the Ab-Igator, I looped the band through the hole and we used it to open & close the door for a period of time.
I do think about exercising a lot; mostly after I’m already in the bed at night and there’s no risk of me actually getting up and doing any jumping jacks. When I do exercise, it’s limited to walking and I have to do it early in the morning before my brain wakes up and figures out what’s going on with the rest of my body.
But I’ve promised myself that after the holidays, I’m starting a stringent exercise program and whip myself back into shape; unless it’s raining or too cold or too windy or if there’s any pollen in the air or if there’s something good on TV. Then I’ll start after Valentine’s Day because when I die, I want to die healthy. But right now I’m going to have a glass of sweet tea and get ready for another Christmas Party tonight.
Even though I’m not totally convinced of the need to be able to bounce a quarter off your stomach at the age of fifty five, I have made several attempts at exercise over the past few years. (You know its time to do something when you get out of breath while brushing your teeth.)
My most humiliating attempt involved a health club. I joined as a New Year’s resolution in January and paid $399 over the year. By the next Christmas, I had gained five pounds and I went to the management in hopes of getting my money back. I should have read the fine print in the contract because apparently their money back guarantee requires that you must actually go to the club and exercise. They should have told me this before I signed up.
Later I decided that I could exercise on my own and I took up power walking. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen people doing this activity but it involves moving your arms & legs in a most unnatural manner as you waddle down the street as if you have two pit bulls fighting it out in the seat of your pants. I had to give that up after only a week as I had started to attract spectators.
Over the years, Tracy & I have bought every kind of exercise machine ever invented by opportunistic sadists; from rowing machines, weight benches and treadmills to a strange little device called the Ab-Igator consisting of pulleys and ropes that you attach to a doorknob. The worst thing we ever bought was a giant rubber band that you placed under your feet and used for stretching exercises. It cost $29.99 plus $6.95 shipping and handling.
Many of these things ended up as a great place to hang our clothes and the only healthful exercise we got from most of them was the extra steps required to walk around them in the bedroom or from lugging them to the front lawn for the yearly yard sale. We did however use the rubber band. After we broke the knobs off the bedroom door with the Ab-Igator, I looped the band through the hole and we used it to open & close the door for a period of time.
I do think about exercising a lot; mostly after I’m already in the bed at night and there’s no risk of me actually getting up and doing any jumping jacks. When I do exercise, it’s limited to walking and I have to do it early in the morning before my brain wakes up and figures out what’s going on with the rest of my body.
But I’ve promised myself that after the holidays, I’m starting a stringent exercise program and whip myself back into shape; unless it’s raining or too cold or too windy or if there’s any pollen in the air or if there’s something good on TV. Then I’ll start after Valentine’s Day because when I die, I want to die healthy. But right now I’m going to have a glass of sweet tea and get ready for another Christmas Party tonight.
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