It’s not that I have anything against pineapple. When we were kids, we ate pineapple straight out of the can or sometimes Mom would make some kind of dessert called an “upside down cake” for Sunday dinner. I never understood why it was called upside down because the pineapple was on top where it looked like it was supposed to be. Anyway, pineapple has its place in my diet – as a dessert or snack.
It doesn’t belong anywhere else. Lately restaurants have been putting pineapple in the oddest places. I guess they are in season now and the price has got so low that restaurants have decided they can afford to be creative with them. I’m speaking for most red blooded, meat-eating, iced-tea swilling American consumers when I say: STOP IT!!
I don’t want pineapple chunks on my pizza or in my salad and especially not on my cheeseburgers. My buddy, Terry and I went to a restaurant a few years back: one of those big chains with plastic potted flowers hanging from the ceiling and a ten minute wait before they seat you. The menus are different in these places. They have steaks and seafood and chicken but not like you would prepare at home or that your Mom put on the table. These dishes are dressed up a bit. They “blacken” almost any meat dish now. The first time I tried a blackened steak, I assumed it meant well done, but what it actually means is that it is coated in a half inch thick layer of spices which the chef then proceeds to burn to a dark black hue while the meat inside remains raw. And these restaurants aren’t satisfied unless your meal is covered with something sticky. Blackened steak topped with blue cheese cream sauce, grilled shrimp in a white wine and garlic sauce or a grilled chicken breast topped with a light chutney sauce. (I don’t know exactly what chutney is but I bet it’s chopped pineapple sautéed in pineapple juice and then blackened over a fire made from the wood of a pineapple tree.)
Terry was a Midwestern boy; strictly meat and potatoes. If it hasn’t mooed or oinked in its recent past, he wasn’t going to eat it. He even considered chicken (unless it was fried) to be a little suspect. We decided to play it safe and stick to cheeseburgers and fries. They had fourteen variations of the basic cheeseburger. From tofu burgers to Swiss mushroom burgers to bleu cheese burgers till we reached number twelve on the menu; the pineapple burger. I asked the waitress if there was any real meat in that one.
“Of course, it’s a genuine angus beef patty topped with a ring of pineapple and cottage cheese.”
My next question was - had anybody ever actually ordered one?
“I have to be honest. It’s not one of our most popular burgers. Come to think of it, I don’t think a man has ever ordered one; mostly little old ladies in hats with big purses.”
We tried to order a plain ol’ cheeseburger and fries. There wasn’t one and we were informed that we had to order from the menu. Terry was about to order breadsticks to go when I got creative. “We’ll have the pineapple burger with the pineapple and cottage cheese on the side on a bed of lettuce; extra ketchup and mustard, please.”
“Excellent choice, sir. Now what kind of fries would you like? We have Cajun fries, curly fries, cottage fries, steak fries, sweet potato fries or tofu fries?”
We ended up across the street at Wendy’s with our double cheeseburgers and not a pineapple in sight.
It doesn’t belong anywhere else. Lately restaurants have been putting pineapple in the oddest places. I guess they are in season now and the price has got so low that restaurants have decided they can afford to be creative with them. I’m speaking for most red blooded, meat-eating, iced-tea swilling American consumers when I say: STOP IT!!
I don’t want pineapple chunks on my pizza or in my salad and especially not on my cheeseburgers. My buddy, Terry and I went to a restaurant a few years back: one of those big chains with plastic potted flowers hanging from the ceiling and a ten minute wait before they seat you. The menus are different in these places. They have steaks and seafood and chicken but not like you would prepare at home or that your Mom put on the table. These dishes are dressed up a bit. They “blacken” almost any meat dish now. The first time I tried a blackened steak, I assumed it meant well done, but what it actually means is that it is coated in a half inch thick layer of spices which the chef then proceeds to burn to a dark black hue while the meat inside remains raw. And these restaurants aren’t satisfied unless your meal is covered with something sticky. Blackened steak topped with blue cheese cream sauce, grilled shrimp in a white wine and garlic sauce or a grilled chicken breast topped with a light chutney sauce. (I don’t know exactly what chutney is but I bet it’s chopped pineapple sautéed in pineapple juice and then blackened over a fire made from the wood of a pineapple tree.)
Terry was a Midwestern boy; strictly meat and potatoes. If it hasn’t mooed or oinked in its recent past, he wasn’t going to eat it. He even considered chicken (unless it was fried) to be a little suspect. We decided to play it safe and stick to cheeseburgers and fries. They had fourteen variations of the basic cheeseburger. From tofu burgers to Swiss mushroom burgers to bleu cheese burgers till we reached number twelve on the menu; the pineapple burger. I asked the waitress if there was any real meat in that one.
“Of course, it’s a genuine angus beef patty topped with a ring of pineapple and cottage cheese.”
My next question was - had anybody ever actually ordered one?
“I have to be honest. It’s not one of our most popular burgers. Come to think of it, I don’t think a man has ever ordered one; mostly little old ladies in hats with big purses.”
We tried to order a plain ol’ cheeseburger and fries. There wasn’t one and we were informed that we had to order from the menu. Terry was about to order breadsticks to go when I got creative. “We’ll have the pineapple burger with the pineapple and cottage cheese on the side on a bed of lettuce; extra ketchup and mustard, please.”
“Excellent choice, sir. Now what kind of fries would you like? We have Cajun fries, curly fries, cottage fries, steak fries, sweet potato fries or tofu fries?”
We ended up across the street at Wendy’s with our double cheeseburgers and not a pineapple in sight.
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