It’s been a long week here in Winston County. The news obviously dominated by the weather. We have to realize that we have been blessed when we start making comparisons to our neighbors in surrounding counties; damages and injuries and death in almost every corner. Wednesday was the worst. The last count I saw was 165 possible tornados across the Southeast and approaching 300 deaths, more than thirty of those right here in Mississippi. The little town of Smithville was all but wiped out and across the state line, Tuscaloosa & Birmingham had the highest death toll and property damage.
We did have our problems right here. Wednesday morning brought damage to my neck of the woods as some neighbors in the Evergreen & Poplar Flat communities dealt with downed trees and the resulting damages to their homes. But it was the afternoon storms that dealt a heavy blow not only across the South but here in our immediate area. A significant tornado made its path through Neshoba, Kemper and into the southwest corner of Winston County. The storm devastated the small community of Preston where three sisters with Winston County ties were killed. The path of the tornado made its way along County Line Road and surrounding area, across Hwy 397 and along the Shuqualak Road. Multiple homes were damaged in the County and some injuries occurred - But - it could have been much worse as the community south of Nanih Waiya was sparsely populated. As I surveyed the area and the path of the tornado, I realized just how powerful this thing was and how bad it could have been if this had hit a few miles further north and west.
The wrecked homes and property were a hard thing to see. It’s difficult not to be moved when you think of people’s lives turned (literally) upside down. But I saw something that affected me even more than the debris piles, turned over vehicles and missing roofs.
The morning after the storm , I saw yards full of cars and pickup trucks, people swarming rooftops covered in blue tarps, the sounds of hammers, saws, tractors and backhoes as people helped their neighbors, friends and family start to pull their lives back together. I saw the utility crews working methodically to restore power and I even saw a few smiles as people waved as we drove by.
I didn’t see FEMA, the Red Cross or a news crew from CNN; just people helping each other without waiting for the government or an aid agency to do it for them. In a very short time, homes will be repaired or rebuilt, lives will resume and only a few scars on the landscape and some personal stories will remain from the 2011 tornado. It’s good to be from the South -It’s good to be from Mississippi & it’s good to be from Winston County.
William McCully
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
To Droop or Not to Droop - A Middle-Age Man's Dilemna
I’m afraid I’ve reached that certain point in my life; a milestone of middle age that all men dread worse than prostate exams and ear hair; a sign of the aging process that can’t be hidden with a toupee or a botox injection. I have finally reached the “droopy drawers” stage of my life.
My pants and yes, even my underwear just won’t stay put anymore. The gravity that’s been working aggressively on various parts of my body has now attacked my britches. My pants bag around my backside looking for any excuse to drop a little lower and drag my BVD’s along for the ride.Now a fellow might think that all this bagginess might be coming from a loss of mass in the posterior, allowing for more wiggle room in the standard pair of khakis or jeans, but unfortunately this is not the case. Most men my age could stand a little less baggage back there, but believe me, guys, while this is one of the few areas you do want to shrink as you get older – it ain’t gonna! No, the problem is coming from the other direction.
The late great Lewis Grizzard called it the “two-bellies”; a condition that men seem to suffer from as they reach their forties and beyond. The two-bellies (TB for short) almost always appear in conjunction with droopy drawers and is most likely the cause of this sad sagging situation.
If you’re not sure that you suffer from TB, let me provide some instructions for self-diagnosis because the medical profession refuses to recognize this or droopy-drawers (DD) as actual medical problems. All they’re going to do is put you on a low-fat diet and tell you to eat only those things that have the taste and texture of cardboard or Styrofoam packing peanuts.These ailments are most obvious in the standing position. I suggest you wear a white t-shirt, your favorite pair of khakis and a standard belt. Place the waistline of your britches in the standard position and tighten the belt - one more notch than you usually do. Now, look in a full length mirror. What do you see? If there are two distinct bellies; one north of the belt and another south, you’ve got the TB’s. To further verify your condition, sit down and stand back up. Turn around and view yourself from behind. If the seat of your pants is in close proximity to the back of your knees, you are also suffering from “Droopy Drawers”.
What has happened is that your waistband slipped below belly number two when you sat down. This is a design mechanism built into most trousers to keep their integrity intact and to prevent the top button from popping off with such force as to put out an eye or break a window. But by slipping below belly two, the seat is also lowered and the result is of course “DD”.Some men try to overcome the effects of “TB” and “DD” by raising their waistline above belly number one to a point just below the neck. This is called high pants or “HP”. This actually rejoins the two bellies into one and produces a nice rounded shape in the midsection. However, it does seem to be only effective when wearing polyester pants and white socks with sandals and the general consensus of opinion is that “HP” is even less attractive than DD.
Most of us go through life after forty, adjusting and hitching up our britches and shorts every time we stand or take a few steps or when we suck in our bellies when we see a pretty girl. It’s just a fact of aging that we have to deal with; like stray hairs growing out of our foreheads at the same time our hairline is receding.There is no easy cure for “TB” and “DD”. Do a hundred sit ups a day and eat cardboard or deal with the symptoms by hitching up our pants and going about our business – or -- switching to dresses – but most of us just don’t have the legs for that.
My pants and yes, even my underwear just won’t stay put anymore. The gravity that’s been working aggressively on various parts of my body has now attacked my britches. My pants bag around my backside looking for any excuse to drop a little lower and drag my BVD’s along for the ride.Now a fellow might think that all this bagginess might be coming from a loss of mass in the posterior, allowing for more wiggle room in the standard pair of khakis or jeans, but unfortunately this is not the case. Most men my age could stand a little less baggage back there, but believe me, guys, while this is one of the few areas you do want to shrink as you get older – it ain’t gonna! No, the problem is coming from the other direction.
The late great Lewis Grizzard called it the “two-bellies”; a condition that men seem to suffer from as they reach their forties and beyond. The two-bellies (TB for short) almost always appear in conjunction with droopy drawers and is most likely the cause of this sad sagging situation.
If you’re not sure that you suffer from TB, let me provide some instructions for self-diagnosis because the medical profession refuses to recognize this or droopy-drawers (DD) as actual medical problems. All they’re going to do is put you on a low-fat diet and tell you to eat only those things that have the taste and texture of cardboard or Styrofoam packing peanuts.These ailments are most obvious in the standing position. I suggest you wear a white t-shirt, your favorite pair of khakis and a standard belt. Place the waistline of your britches in the standard position and tighten the belt - one more notch than you usually do. Now, look in a full length mirror. What do you see? If there are two distinct bellies; one north of the belt and another south, you’ve got the TB’s. To further verify your condition, sit down and stand back up. Turn around and view yourself from behind. If the seat of your pants is in close proximity to the back of your knees, you are also suffering from “Droopy Drawers”.
What has happened is that your waistband slipped below belly number two when you sat down. This is a design mechanism built into most trousers to keep their integrity intact and to prevent the top button from popping off with such force as to put out an eye or break a window. But by slipping below belly two, the seat is also lowered and the result is of course “DD”.Some men try to overcome the effects of “TB” and “DD” by raising their waistline above belly number one to a point just below the neck. This is called high pants or “HP”. This actually rejoins the two bellies into one and produces a nice rounded shape in the midsection. However, it does seem to be only effective when wearing polyester pants and white socks with sandals and the general consensus of opinion is that “HP” is even less attractive than DD.
Most of us go through life after forty, adjusting and hitching up our britches and shorts every time we stand or take a few steps or when we suck in our bellies when we see a pretty girl. It’s just a fact of aging that we have to deal with; like stray hairs growing out of our foreheads at the same time our hairline is receding.There is no easy cure for “TB” and “DD”. Do a hundred sit ups a day and eat cardboard or deal with the symptoms by hitching up our pants and going about our business – or -- switching to dresses – but most of us just don’t have the legs for that.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Atmosphere in the Toilet?
We’re getting ready for the holidays around my house. Holidays mean company. Company means one thing: break out the good towels! You know the ones I’m talking about- the ones that you or the kids are never, ever supposed to touch - the ones with the little monograms on them that are color coordinated for the guest bathroom.
We put out these towels when we are expecting guests, just like a lot of people do. I assume this is supposed to impress people – the fact that we have towels that we don’t actually use ourselves. Now I’ve become so well trained that when I’m a guest in someone else’s home, I’m very hesitant to use their towels. I really believe most people would prefer that their guests don’t wipe their hands on them and if you do, they probably talk about you after you leave;
“Harold, just come look at this bathroom!”
“What is it, Margie?”
“Just look at that! He actually wiped his hands on our good towels!”
“Incredible! You’d think he was raised in a barn. Better check the medicine cabinet and make sure he didn’t make off with my Viagra. You just can’t trust anybody that would use a guest towel! Better see if he flushed, too!”
I always feel a little guilty if I do dry my hands on someone’s guest towels. If I’m lucky or if my host has planned ahead, there will be another towel hanging around that I can use but more likely than not, I end up drying my hands on the shower curtain or the thighs of my britches.
I don’t understand why anyone would put something as utilitarian as a towel in the bathroom and then not expect it to be used but then women put a lot of things in bathrooms that they never intend for anyone to use. My wife has little bowls filled with soaps - soaps shaped like flowers or seashells or fishes. These soaps aren’t meant for hand washing after working on the old John Deere. Then there are the creams and lotions in the odd shaped little bottles that clutter up the sink and tub areas. These never seem to be used either. And of course, there are the candles – of every color, scent, and shape that a woman could ever imagine. Candles that we aren’t allowed to burn even at times when their fresh aroma could be useful.
I suppose women like these things because they are pretty and add atmosphere to the bath. Men don’t really understand the need to have “atmosphere” in the toilet but we generally go along with it. But I still don’t understand this towel thing. I’ll live with it unless it goes too far. The day my wife tells me I can’t use the guest toilet paper, I’m gonna stop putting the seat down for her.
We put out these towels when we are expecting guests, just like a lot of people do. I assume this is supposed to impress people – the fact that we have towels that we don’t actually use ourselves. Now I’ve become so well trained that when I’m a guest in someone else’s home, I’m very hesitant to use their towels. I really believe most people would prefer that their guests don’t wipe their hands on them and if you do, they probably talk about you after you leave;
“Harold, just come look at this bathroom!”
“What is it, Margie?”
“Just look at that! He actually wiped his hands on our good towels!”
“Incredible! You’d think he was raised in a barn. Better check the medicine cabinet and make sure he didn’t make off with my Viagra. You just can’t trust anybody that would use a guest towel! Better see if he flushed, too!”
I always feel a little guilty if I do dry my hands on someone’s guest towels. If I’m lucky or if my host has planned ahead, there will be another towel hanging around that I can use but more likely than not, I end up drying my hands on the shower curtain or the thighs of my britches.
I don’t understand why anyone would put something as utilitarian as a towel in the bathroom and then not expect it to be used but then women put a lot of things in bathrooms that they never intend for anyone to use. My wife has little bowls filled with soaps - soaps shaped like flowers or seashells or fishes. These soaps aren’t meant for hand washing after working on the old John Deere. Then there are the creams and lotions in the odd shaped little bottles that clutter up the sink and tub areas. These never seem to be used either. And of course, there are the candles – of every color, scent, and shape that a woman could ever imagine. Candles that we aren’t allowed to burn even at times when their fresh aroma could be useful.
I suppose women like these things because they are pretty and add atmosphere to the bath. Men don’t really understand the need to have “atmosphere” in the toilet but we generally go along with it. But I still don’t understand this towel thing. I’ll live with it unless it goes too far. The day my wife tells me I can’t use the guest toilet paper, I’m gonna stop putting the seat down for her.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Cutie & Sweetie
We have two new inhabitants in our house. You see, after an unfortunate accident, our “beloved” housedog “Buster” passed away and with a young child in our home, it was understood that a new puppy was required. And of course “Doctor Fred” our veterinarian just happened to have a passel of pups for sale in his waiting room. (I don’t think it’s much of a coincidence that Doctor Fred also sells used cars.)
Now before I would agree to another pet, I made my daughter promise that she would be responsible and take care of it. I actually made her swear on a stack of three Bibles, had my attorney draw up a contract for her to sign and made her spit on her hand before we shook on it. While she picked out a single puppy that struck her fancy, I paid the vet bill for the previously deceased Buster and then wrote another check for the puppy. Little did I realize that the check writing was just beginning.
As we took “the sweetest little puppy in the world” home, (my daughter’s words not mine) the pup promptly wet on my car seat. When we got home, my wife was waiting for us, still teary-eyed and a bit melancholy about Buster but she did make the best of it. As anyone with a new pet would do, we sat in the floor to play with “the sweetest puppy in the world” that of course immediately wet on the rug. I should have known that I was in trouble when my wife didn’t get upset at this or the other mess that “Sweetie” was strategically leaving around the living room. In fact, Tracy seemed unusually calm and that should have been a warning sign of things to come.
Even though it was like closing the barn door after the horse got out, my daughter & I took the pup outside. As we sat on the steps and watched for any “activity”, I whiled away the time pondering the absurdity of the theory of evolution, not upon religious grounds but upon a review of my current situation. I mean when you consider that man has evolved from hunters, gatherers and graphic cave artists to the state at which I found myself (waiting in the hot sun for a dog to do her business), it doesn’t really lend much support to Darwin’s Theories.
After twenty minutes of no activity, “Sweetie” was brought back inside where she promptly wet in the foyer just inside the door. As my daughter so cheerfully cleaned up the mess, I realized that my wife was nowhere to be found & neither was the checkbook. I checked the garage and her car was gone. Thinking positively I reasoned that she had gone to get some high powered puppy food for “Sweetie”. You know the kind I’m talking about; it costs more per pound than rib eye steak & has “all the vitamins, minerals & roughage to make your puppy big & strong & poop a lot!”
It wasn’t much later that she came in the door holding “the cutest puppy in the world.”
“Sweetie needed a companion.” She said, “and besides it’s no more trouble to keep two than it is one.” Now I’ve been married for 17 years and even as slow-witted as I am, I know there are some battles that I can’t win. I wasn’t even going to fight this one. Sweetie was excited to see her sister, so excited in fact, that she wet on the rug again. Cutie decided to make it a group activity.
After much debate and at least one roll of paper towels, Sweetie & Cutie became Roxie & Chloe. Now a trip to Wal Mart was required to fulfill the “little darlings” needs. This included five pounds of that puppy food, two color coordinated collars, half a dozen squeaky toys, chew sticks, pig ears, Vidal Sassoon Dog Shampoo or equivalent, puppy pads, doggie perfume, nail polish, air freshener, carpet cleaner and industrial strength paper towels (they’re in the automotive department). Fortunately we already had a pet carrier.
Now I’ve had dogs all my life but most of them were outdoor critters that slept on the porch and chased rabbits when the urge hit them. Roxie & Chloe or “Pee & Poop” as I call them aren’t ever going to make it outside. Why any self- respecting rabbit would either die laughing at the sight of them or try to nurse them. So we were going to have to house train Pee & Poop – errr Roxie & Chloe. Now I had once house-trained a border collie in one day so I figured this shouldn’t be too hard; a rolled up newspaper and sharp voice should take care of this in short order. I discovered that these dogs have very little in common with border collies!
The first night, I think there were 47 little presents left for us throughout the house & this was before bedtime. We finally got them in their cage and quiet around midnight. By four o’clock the next morning, I couldn’t take the whining anymore. I did learn that my wife could actually laugh in her sleep when I told her that she needed to get up & take the puppies outside. Being the good father that I am and knowing that a ten year old needs her sleep, I didn’t bother to drag out my contract with my daughter and wake her with the details of Article IV, Section 1-5 of the fine print. Fortunately, our nearest neighbor is a quarter mile away, so still half asleep, I just slipped on my wife’s bathrobe, grabbed the “little darlings” and took them to the backyard. Instead of taking care of business as they should, they proceeded to make a mad dash for the woods behind our house. Calling them did no good as they were as confused about their names as I was and as some of the names I was calling them were not appropriate for mixed company, it’s just as well they didn’t respond.
Now we have a lot of coyotes in our area and as I didn’t want to put my family through yet another grieving process, I decided I had better bring them back. I took off after them in an uncinched pink bathrobe and not much else. After ten minutes of stumbling through the mud & brambles not only had I lost the puppies but I had also lost the belt to the robe and most of my dignity. I decided to go back to the house and get properly dressed and equipped for a massive search effort. As I crawled out of the woods, there they were sitting on the porch looking at me with their heads cocked to the side as if thinking “What’s that idiot doing out there?”. I’m just thankful that God will forgive us for the use of foul language in times of stress especially between the hours of midnight & five A.M.
Upon bringing them back into the house, Pee & Poop (they’ve earned these names) proceeded to do just that on the living room rug. Knowing there wasn’t much sense in going back to bed, I spent the next three hours following them around with a paper towel in one hand and a rolled up newspaper in the other. I have to give my wife some credit for good judgment, as she never once had the nerve to ask me what happened to her bathrobe.
Later I learned that puppies don’t have much control over their bodily functions until they are twelve to sixteen weeks old and that smaller breeds like Pee & Poop can sometimes take as much as six months to house train. I think these gals are going for the record. My daughter is not so cheerful about cleaning up after them anymore and my wife has to feed them most of the time but the “little darlings” have become part of the family now. Oh, by the way, that contract I had with my daughter; I found a real good use for it at about four o’clock one morning.
Now before I would agree to another pet, I made my daughter promise that she would be responsible and take care of it. I actually made her swear on a stack of three Bibles, had my attorney draw up a contract for her to sign and made her spit on her hand before we shook on it. While she picked out a single puppy that struck her fancy, I paid the vet bill for the previously deceased Buster and then wrote another check for the puppy. Little did I realize that the check writing was just beginning.
As we took “the sweetest little puppy in the world” home, (my daughter’s words not mine) the pup promptly wet on my car seat. When we got home, my wife was waiting for us, still teary-eyed and a bit melancholy about Buster but she did make the best of it. As anyone with a new pet would do, we sat in the floor to play with “the sweetest puppy in the world” that of course immediately wet on the rug. I should have known that I was in trouble when my wife didn’t get upset at this or the other mess that “Sweetie” was strategically leaving around the living room. In fact, Tracy seemed unusually calm and that should have been a warning sign of things to come.
Even though it was like closing the barn door after the horse got out, my daughter & I took the pup outside. As we sat on the steps and watched for any “activity”, I whiled away the time pondering the absurdity of the theory of evolution, not upon religious grounds but upon a review of my current situation. I mean when you consider that man has evolved from hunters, gatherers and graphic cave artists to the state at which I found myself (waiting in the hot sun for a dog to do her business), it doesn’t really lend much support to Darwin’s Theories.
After twenty minutes of no activity, “Sweetie” was brought back inside where she promptly wet in the foyer just inside the door. As my daughter so cheerfully cleaned up the mess, I realized that my wife was nowhere to be found & neither was the checkbook. I checked the garage and her car was gone. Thinking positively I reasoned that she had gone to get some high powered puppy food for “Sweetie”. You know the kind I’m talking about; it costs more per pound than rib eye steak & has “all the vitamins, minerals & roughage to make your puppy big & strong & poop a lot!”
It wasn’t much later that she came in the door holding “the cutest puppy in the world.”
“Sweetie needed a companion.” She said, “and besides it’s no more trouble to keep two than it is one.” Now I’ve been married for 17 years and even as slow-witted as I am, I know there are some battles that I can’t win. I wasn’t even going to fight this one. Sweetie was excited to see her sister, so excited in fact, that she wet on the rug again. Cutie decided to make it a group activity.
After much debate and at least one roll of paper towels, Sweetie & Cutie became Roxie & Chloe. Now a trip to Wal Mart was required to fulfill the “little darlings” needs. This included five pounds of that puppy food, two color coordinated collars, half a dozen squeaky toys, chew sticks, pig ears, Vidal Sassoon Dog Shampoo or equivalent, puppy pads, doggie perfume, nail polish, air freshener, carpet cleaner and industrial strength paper towels (they’re in the automotive department). Fortunately we already had a pet carrier.
Now I’ve had dogs all my life but most of them were outdoor critters that slept on the porch and chased rabbits when the urge hit them. Roxie & Chloe or “Pee & Poop” as I call them aren’t ever going to make it outside. Why any self- respecting rabbit would either die laughing at the sight of them or try to nurse them. So we were going to have to house train Pee & Poop – errr Roxie & Chloe. Now I had once house-trained a border collie in one day so I figured this shouldn’t be too hard; a rolled up newspaper and sharp voice should take care of this in short order. I discovered that these dogs have very little in common with border collies!
The first night, I think there were 47 little presents left for us throughout the house & this was before bedtime. We finally got them in their cage and quiet around midnight. By four o’clock the next morning, I couldn’t take the whining anymore. I did learn that my wife could actually laugh in her sleep when I told her that she needed to get up & take the puppies outside. Being the good father that I am and knowing that a ten year old needs her sleep, I didn’t bother to drag out my contract with my daughter and wake her with the details of Article IV, Section 1-5 of the fine print. Fortunately, our nearest neighbor is a quarter mile away, so still half asleep, I just slipped on my wife’s bathrobe, grabbed the “little darlings” and took them to the backyard. Instead of taking care of business as they should, they proceeded to make a mad dash for the woods behind our house. Calling them did no good as they were as confused about their names as I was and as some of the names I was calling them were not appropriate for mixed company, it’s just as well they didn’t respond.
Now we have a lot of coyotes in our area and as I didn’t want to put my family through yet another grieving process, I decided I had better bring them back. I took off after them in an uncinched pink bathrobe and not much else. After ten minutes of stumbling through the mud & brambles not only had I lost the puppies but I had also lost the belt to the robe and most of my dignity. I decided to go back to the house and get properly dressed and equipped for a massive search effort. As I crawled out of the woods, there they were sitting on the porch looking at me with their heads cocked to the side as if thinking “What’s that idiot doing out there?”. I’m just thankful that God will forgive us for the use of foul language in times of stress especially between the hours of midnight & five A.M.
Upon bringing them back into the house, Pee & Poop (they’ve earned these names) proceeded to do just that on the living room rug. Knowing there wasn’t much sense in going back to bed, I spent the next three hours following them around with a paper towel in one hand and a rolled up newspaper in the other. I have to give my wife some credit for good judgment, as she never once had the nerve to ask me what happened to her bathrobe.
Later I learned that puppies don’t have much control over their bodily functions until they are twelve to sixteen weeks old and that smaller breeds like Pee & Poop can sometimes take as much as six months to house train. I think these gals are going for the record. My daughter is not so cheerful about cleaning up after them anymore and my wife has to feed them most of the time but the “little darlings” have become part of the family now. Oh, by the way, that contract I had with my daughter; I found a real good use for it at about four o’clock one morning.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Folks in Washington - Just Need a Good Meal
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and President Obama are not real popular right now, even with a lot of the folks that put em in office. It seems like they're just unhappy folks in charge and misery loves company. Now I'm not going to talk any specific politics here. Lord knows there's enough of that out there on the news and Facebook and Twitter. I'm just looking at these folks at a personal level.
Just take a look at them; Obama always going around talkin about whose *ss he's gonna kick, Nancy looks like she swallered a sour pill and Harry, poor Harry, just can't seem to keep his foot outa his mouth.
I know there's a lot a stress in their jobs yet it looks to me like they create a lot of it themselves. But I know what's really wrong with em. I discovered it when I saw a picture of all three of em together. It becomes real obvious when they pose together at some bill signing that just cost us taxpayers - some umpteen trillion dollars;
They 're hungry.
Just look at em. This has got to be the skinniest bunch of leaders this country has ever seen. Nancy looks like one of them stick figures you draw when you're playing hangman, Harry looks like the scared school teacher, Ichabod Crane, in the Tale of Sleepy Hollow and heaven help me- the Prez looks like Jack Skellington in Tim Burton's Movie "Nightmare Before Christmas".
It's hard to make good decisions or be agreeable if you're hungry. Your ol' stomach's a growlin and maybe you got a little low blood sugar to make you a bit dizzy. Things might improve up there in Washington if we could just get these folks to eat proper- fatten em up a bit as my Momma used to say.
It's interesting to note that none of these folks are from the South where we know how, when, what and where to eat. I know they say we're the fattest folks in America and as to how unhealthy we are, but compared to the rest of the country- we do manage to get along better than most and if you look around, we've managed to control our state budgets better than them skinny folks out in California or them high-falootin sushi (we call it bait down here) & salad eatin socialites in New York. A little meat on your bones tends to make you calmer and more thoughtful in your decision making - you see the world with a little more ease.
Now I don't know exactly why these folks aren't eatin - maybe they've got some misplaced concern about their health or appearance but it's obvious it ain't workin for em. Nancy got access to all that fresh seafood at Fisherman's Wharf, Harry could probably eat free at any casino buffet in Las Vegas and the President has got his own personal chef. There ain't no excuse for them to be as skinny as they are. I can only assume it's the environment that they're workin in. I mean everytime I think about the stuff goin on in Washington, I lose my appetite too.
So maybe instead of fussin and cussin at em from a distance, we oughta invite em down here just for some real food. Governor Barbour who is more than qualified in the ways of Southern cookin, could invite them on the pretense of discussing the Gulf situation and then we could whisk them up here to Louisville for some good ol' fashioned fare. We all know Ms. Aline Haynes and a few others could throw a meal together to put anybody in a good mood. People just tend to be more pleasant when their bellies are full of fried chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, purple hull peas, fried green tomatoes and southern cornbread. Now - if you were to top that off with a slice of pecan pie and a serving of Alene Ingram's homemade ice cream, I guarantee them folks couldn't be anything but more agreeable.
Just take a look at them; Obama always going around talkin about whose *ss he's gonna kick, Nancy looks like she swallered a sour pill and Harry, poor Harry, just can't seem to keep his foot outa his mouth.
I know there's a lot a stress in their jobs yet it looks to me like they create a lot of it themselves. But I know what's really wrong with em. I discovered it when I saw a picture of all three of em together. It becomes real obvious when they pose together at some bill signing that just cost us taxpayers - some umpteen trillion dollars;
They 're hungry.
Just look at em. This has got to be the skinniest bunch of leaders this country has ever seen. Nancy looks like one of them stick figures you draw when you're playing hangman, Harry looks like the scared school teacher, Ichabod Crane, in the Tale of Sleepy Hollow and heaven help me- the Prez looks like Jack Skellington in Tim Burton's Movie "Nightmare Before Christmas".
It's hard to make good decisions or be agreeable if you're hungry. Your ol' stomach's a growlin and maybe you got a little low blood sugar to make you a bit dizzy. Things might improve up there in Washington if we could just get these folks to eat proper- fatten em up a bit as my Momma used to say.
It's interesting to note that none of these folks are from the South where we know how, when, what and where to eat. I know they say we're the fattest folks in America and as to how unhealthy we are, but compared to the rest of the country- we do manage to get along better than most and if you look around, we've managed to control our state budgets better than them skinny folks out in California or them high-falootin sushi (we call it bait down here) & salad eatin socialites in New York. A little meat on your bones tends to make you calmer and more thoughtful in your decision making - you see the world with a little more ease.
Now I don't know exactly why these folks aren't eatin - maybe they've got some misplaced concern about their health or appearance but it's obvious it ain't workin for em. Nancy got access to all that fresh seafood at Fisherman's Wharf, Harry could probably eat free at any casino buffet in Las Vegas and the President has got his own personal chef. There ain't no excuse for them to be as skinny as they are. I can only assume it's the environment that they're workin in. I mean everytime I think about the stuff goin on in Washington, I lose my appetite too.
So maybe instead of fussin and cussin at em from a distance, we oughta invite em down here just for some real food. Governor Barbour who is more than qualified in the ways of Southern cookin, could invite them on the pretense of discussing the Gulf situation and then we could whisk them up here to Louisville for some good ol' fashioned fare. We all know Ms. Aline Haynes and a few others could throw a meal together to put anybody in a good mood. People just tend to be more pleasant when their bellies are full of fried chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, purple hull peas, fried green tomatoes and southern cornbread. Now - if you were to top that off with a slice of pecan pie and a serving of Alene Ingram's homemade ice cream, I guarantee them folks couldn't be anything but more agreeable.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Marriage Interview Should Be Required
I spend a lot of time looking at the absurdities of life. We do and think a lot of things that don’t make sense. We idolize that Hollywood actor but we hold our nose at the guy who cleans our septic tank. Now which one do you think is more vital to your quality of life? We can all name the star quarterback for our favorite college team but how many of us can name the president of that same university? And we do this in almost all aspects of our lives. We don’t concentrate on what’s important and leave certain aspects of our lives to chance.
Best example; picking a spouse. Most employers wouldn’t dream of hiring someone for a long term position without an in depth background check and job interview yet we leave our choice of lifetime partners to chance. That’s why I think people should advertise for mates and do a detailed interview before even considering marriage. As women often have the most at stake, I think they should conduct the interview. As someone who has given this a lot of thought, I’ve developed some questions along with appropriate answers and not so good answers;
Q: What do you do for a living?
POSSIBLE CORRCT ANSWERS: Teacher, lawyer, plumber, welder, doctor, etc.
WRONG ANSWERS: telemarketer, “I’m between jobs right now”, ACORN Field Rep,Chief Safety Officer for British Petroleum.
Q: How long have you been on the same job?
CORRECT ANSWER: For six years. I’ve had two promotions and four raises since I’ve been there.
WRONG ANSWER: Since last Spring. You see I quit my job every Fall when hunting season starts and then I find me a new one every Spring. That way hunting don’t get in the way of my job. I figure that’s the only way to be fair to whoever you work for.
Q: Why do you feel that you would be good at marriage?
CORRECT ANSWER: I’m ready to settle down and build a future with someone I can love and respect.
WRONG ANSWER: Well, I’ve had a lot of experience.
Q: Do you like children?
CORRECT ANSWER: I’d love to have a couple of kids.
WRONG ANSWER: Rugrats? I’m crazy about em. Love to have 10 or 12 of em!
Q: Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
CORRECT ANSWER: I hope to have a home and family with a little money put away for retirement.
WRONG ANSWER: I’ve always dreamed of being a NASCAR driver, so I’m putting all my money into a car me & my buddies are workin on out back of the house.
Q: What’s your idea of a pleasant evening on the town?
CORRECT ANSWER: After a nice meal in a good restaurant, we might catch a movie or concert and spend the rest of the evening just talking.
WRONG ANSWER: Well, after the wrestling match, we’d grab a case of Old Milwaukee and a couple of bags of pork rinds and go down to the lake and have us a good ol time.
Q: Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
CORRECT ANSWER: Well, I don’t mind being alone but I really like being around other people and being involved in lots of activities.
WRONG ANSWER: I’m not really into any of that kinky stuff.
This is just a sampling of things that you might want to know about someone before you enter into a long term relationship or a legal contract with them. Even under the best of circumstances, marriage is tough and without the proper thought and effort, that wedding ring can turn into a suffer-ring.
Best example; picking a spouse. Most employers wouldn’t dream of hiring someone for a long term position without an in depth background check and job interview yet we leave our choice of lifetime partners to chance. That’s why I think people should advertise for mates and do a detailed interview before even considering marriage. As women often have the most at stake, I think they should conduct the interview. As someone who has given this a lot of thought, I’ve developed some questions along with appropriate answers and not so good answers;
Q: What do you do for a living?
POSSIBLE CORRCT ANSWERS: Teacher, lawyer, plumber, welder, doctor, etc.
WRONG ANSWERS: telemarketer, “I’m between jobs right now”, ACORN Field Rep,Chief Safety Officer for British Petroleum.
Q: How long have you been on the same job?
CORRECT ANSWER: For six years. I’ve had two promotions and four raises since I’ve been there.
WRONG ANSWER: Since last Spring. You see I quit my job every Fall when hunting season starts and then I find me a new one every Spring. That way hunting don’t get in the way of my job. I figure that’s the only way to be fair to whoever you work for.
Q: Why do you feel that you would be good at marriage?
CORRECT ANSWER: I’m ready to settle down and build a future with someone I can love and respect.
WRONG ANSWER: Well, I’ve had a lot of experience.
Q: Do you like children?
CORRECT ANSWER: I’d love to have a couple of kids.
WRONG ANSWER: Rugrats? I’m crazy about em. Love to have 10 or 12 of em!
Q: Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
CORRECT ANSWER: I hope to have a home and family with a little money put away for retirement.
WRONG ANSWER: I’ve always dreamed of being a NASCAR driver, so I’m putting all my money into a car me & my buddies are workin on out back of the house.
Q: What’s your idea of a pleasant evening on the town?
CORRECT ANSWER: After a nice meal in a good restaurant, we might catch a movie or concert and spend the rest of the evening just talking.
WRONG ANSWER: Well, after the wrestling match, we’d grab a case of Old Milwaukee and a couple of bags of pork rinds and go down to the lake and have us a good ol time.
Q: Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
CORRECT ANSWER: Well, I don’t mind being alone but I really like being around other people and being involved in lots of activities.
WRONG ANSWER: I’m not really into any of that kinky stuff.
This is just a sampling of things that you might want to know about someone before you enter into a long term relationship or a legal contract with them. Even under the best of circumstances, marriage is tough and without the proper thought and effort, that wedding ring can turn into a suffer-ring.
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